Funny Alcohal Quotes

", madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
Winston Churchill

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"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."
Mitch Hedberg
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"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
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"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
Mega Jones
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"The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!"
Danny Jansen
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"Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol."
Anonymous
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"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them."
Terry Pratchett
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"Trumpets are a bit more adventurous; they're drunk! Trumpeters are generally drunk. It wets their whistle."
Paul McCartney
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"It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her."
W.C. Fields
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"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
Anonymous

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"I drink therefore I am."
W.C. Fields
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"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
Henry Youngman
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"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony."
Robert Benchley
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"used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."
Laura Kightlinger
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"When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvellous personality that started you drinking in the first place."
Jimmy Breslin
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"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
Harold Rudolph
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"We drink and we die and continue to drink."
Dennis Leary
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"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
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"A drunk mans words are a sober man's thoughts."
Steve Fergosi
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"But the greatest love--the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another."
Irish love ballad
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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
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"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henny Youngman
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"I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection."
Brian, Family Guy
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"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin
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"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'"
Henny Youngman
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"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
George F. Burns
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"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
William Butler Yeats
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"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
P.J. O'Rourke
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Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
More funny Herman Melville quotes
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No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
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I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
More funny Dean Martin quotes
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
More funny Dean Martin quotes
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There's nothing worse than an introspective drunk.
More funny Tom Sharpe quotes
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I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
More funny George Gobel quotes
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Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
More funny Ernest Hemingway quotes
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I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.
More funny Bette Midler quotes

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“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”

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“You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re a precipitate .”

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.”

“Everyone loves a moose. Some just don’t know it.”

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

“By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.”
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Free Travel

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A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
Beer Troubleshooting Chart

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SYMPTOM…FAULT…ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drinking Codes

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
“Hey give me an ML.” The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
“I’d like a BL.” Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, “Give me
a Fifteen.”

“A Fifteen?” the bartender replies, “What the hell is that?”

“Oh, you know,” the blonde says, “A Seven and Seven.”
Drinking Buddies

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There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. �Shawn,� said Pat, �can you hear me?� Faintly, Shawn replied, �Yes, Paddy, I can.� Bashfully, Pat started, �Do you remember our pact, Shawn?� �Yes, I do Patty,� Shawn strained. �And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?� said Pat. �Yes Patty, I do,� whispered Shawn. ”It’s a very �old� bottle now, you know,� urged Pat. �And what are you gettin’ at Pat?� asked Shawn, briskly. �Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?�
Pat And Mike

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Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat
“We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor?
Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replied, “I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”
Arthritis

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”
Official Drinking Test

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This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
Wine with a Fly

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A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.
Temperance Lecture

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Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland’s top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, “Now my friends, what does this tell us?”

Jock piped up, “If you drink whisky you’ll not be bothered by worms!”



First Offense

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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
“Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
“I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”
Three Brothers

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
Irish Declare War On France

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The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Smart Dog

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Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Live Long

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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O’Gradys!”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”
My Two Brothers

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
One Wish

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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”
Driving Home Drunk

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Bad Bathroom Experience

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Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.”

The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?” Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

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Staggering Drunk

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Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he’d done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

Read more
Drinking Politics

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A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.”

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!”

“Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.”

“That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”

“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.

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Abducted

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Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

“Ted, you look awful. What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

Ted says, “Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?”

Everyone is shocked. “I heard about this kind of thing happening!” Bills says. “What did the alien do to you?”

“I don’t remeber all the details,” Ted says. “All I remember is being anally probed by the alien.”

Everyone is horrified. “I heard that they’ll do that!” Steve says. “What did the alien look like?”

Ted responds, “Carl.”
Nun in the Bathroom

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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”
Lost at Sea

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Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, ?I wish the ocean was made of beer.? Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, ?Way to go asshole! Now we have to piss in the boat!?
Drinks for Jesus

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An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. “Hey,” he says, looking down the bar, “is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey?is that God?s Boy down there?” The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian?s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, “Don?t touch me! I?m drawing disability!”Yes

Funny Marriage Quotes

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.



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My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."



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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.



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Honolulu — it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.


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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.



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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish...



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Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.



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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.


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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



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After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.



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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.



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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henry Youngman



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"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...


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An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie



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Women like silent men, they think they're listening.



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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I

go Fridays."


Henry Youngman.

*

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If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he still wrong?



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I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


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I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.



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Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the ‘y’ is silent .



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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher

. Socrates

Funny Love Quotes

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie
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Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein
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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
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Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
-- Anonymous
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You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
-- Anonymous
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The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
-- Anonymous
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No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Anonymous
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Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks

and sneakers behind along the way.
-- Anonymous
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When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
-- Anonymous
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Men only have two faults....What they do, and what they say!
-- Anonymous
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You can't buy love on eBay.
-- Anonymous
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If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
-- Bette Midler
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A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
-- Brendan Francis
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Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
-- Cathy Carlyle
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Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
-- Cecilia Egan
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher
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Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.
-- Cher
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By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.
-- Dorothy Parker
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I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.
-- Dudley Moore
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck
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Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone

that you really saw.
-- Fran Lebowitz
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It is impossible to love and be wise.
-- Francis Bacon
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Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.
-- Fulton J. Sheen
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Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-- George Carlin
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Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
-- Glenn Beck
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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
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Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-- Henry Kissinger
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When we got married I told my wife "If you leave me, I'm going with you.
And she never did.
-- James Fineous McBride
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Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything

else in the house.
-- Jean Kerr
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Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
-- Joan Crawford
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It's been so long since I made love,
I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-- Joan Rivers
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
-- Joan Rivers
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You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
-- Jonathan Carroll
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No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
-- Joyce Brothers
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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
-- Katharine Hepburn
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True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
-- La Rochefoucauld
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If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.
-- Lily Tomlin
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The only people who make love all the time are liars.
-- Louis Jordan
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
-- Natalie Wood
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Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
-- Oscar Wilde
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Love is a grave mental disease.
-- Plato
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Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner
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All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
-- Shelley Winters
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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-- Steve Martin
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A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-- Thomas Hardy
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Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.
-- Tommy Dewar
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Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-- Walt Disney
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Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
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The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
-- Woody Allen
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Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen
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The sincerest love is the love of food.

Bernard Shaw .

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Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.

Josh Billings

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.



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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener! Unknown



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The great question... which I have not been able to
answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?''

-- Freud

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."


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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him

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Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for."

Mae West

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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

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Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law

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Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

-Oscar Wilde

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A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.—

Zsa Zsa Gabor

***********



My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.

-Rodney Dangerfield

***********



The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

Coleridge

***********



One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.

Benjamin Franklin

***********



.The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henry Youngman

***********



Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

***********



If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would

bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do.

***********



If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

***********



Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will

not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
Hellfire Hotchkiss

***********



All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

Lord Byron

***********



"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante.

***********



Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein - Funny Love Quotes

***********



Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Anonymous

***********



Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus

***********



Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's

what it means."
George Burns.

***********



Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city."
George Burns.

***********



I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray.

***********



In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

Woody Allen.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once

***********

Yawn - Nature's way of letting married men open their mouths

Anon

***********

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

***********

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

***********

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence

***********



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

***********



A wife is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

unknown

***********

I think, therefore I'm single.


I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.
Mae West [Add to favorites]
You call it madness, but I call it love.
Don Byas
A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
Woodrow Wyatt
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
Mae West [Add to favorites]
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
Winston Churchill
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
Henry Louis Mencken [Add to favorites]
Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.
Ben Hecht
Love is being stupid together.
Paul Valery
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it
a few times.
Rita Rudner
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
Pearl Bailey



Love doesn't make the world go round,
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
________________________________________________
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
________________________________________________
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
________________________________________________
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
________________________________________________
Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Friendship Quotes

F- field of love

R- root of joy

I- island of God

E-end of sorrow

N-name of hope

D-door of understandingand

thats why you are my good friend

-------------------------------------

FRIENDS are the thermometers

by whichwe may judge

the temperature ofour fortunes.

-------------------------------------------

Why we make friends ???
Cause

they understand just by looking in ur eyes
Cause

u can say something stupid or expose ur deepes tsecrets to them
Cause

they believe in ur dreams, no matter how silly they may seem
Cause

they love u for what u r
& finally
everything u do together becomes a memory!

------------------------------

Hand grasps at hand

eye lights eye in good friendship

and

great hearts expands

and

grow one in te sense of this worlds life.

-------------------------

FRIENDS are the link between ourselves and the road to happiness , joy , love and success ,
without them we are lost!

-------------------

Life is a railway station Where love is a train, it would come & go anytime
But Friendship is a railway track====================It remains forever so make Good Tracks!

------------------------

To live a life i need heartbeat,

2 have heartbeat i need a heart,

2 have heart i need happiness,

to have happiness i need a friend,

and

4 a friend i need U ALWAYS!

---------------------

Our friendship means a lot to me.

U cry i cry.

U laugh i laugh.

U jump out of the window

I look down & then...I laugh again!

---------------------

Friendship Is A Treasured Gift

That

Gives Our Heart A Lift
A Blessing We Just Cannot Do Without

Because Friendship Is What Living Is All About …

-----------------------

Years may fly,

tears may dry,

but

my friendship with u

will never die.

----------------

If U need a friend

and

there are a hundred steps between us,

you can take the 1st step to get near me

and

i will take all 99 step to be there for you.

---------------

If 2 hearts r meant 2 b friends,

No matter how long it takes,

How far they go,

How tough it seems,

Fate will bring them together,

2 share FRIENDSHIP 4 EVER.

----------------

if A is 1,

B is 2,

&

C is 3

then

L+O+V+E IS 54,

F+R+I+E+N+D+S+H+I+P, IS 108.

INTERESTING NA ,

FRIENDSHIP IS TWICE AS STRONG AS LOVE.

------------------

DISTANCE never seperates HEART that really CARE… Though we may not SPEND so much time TOGETHER U r always in my THOUGHTS my great friend…..

------------------

Me + You = A gr8 story of ” FRIENDSHIP “
Zakham + You = Marham,
Tanhai�+ You = Mehfil,
Tears�+ You = Smile,
Raasta�+ You = Manzil,
Nothing�+ You = Everything,
Me�+ You = A gr8 story of� ” FRIENDSHIP ”
Zakham + You = Marham,

-----------------

1 Stone is enough 2 break a glass,

1 sentence is enough 2 break a heart,

1 word is enough to fall in love

&

1 friend is enough to live in this world.

-----------------

Distances never separate any relation,

time never builds any relation.
If feelings r true from heart,

then friends r always friends forever!

------------------

Treat life as sea,

your heart as sea-shore,

And

friend as waves.

It never matters how many waves r their,

What matter is which one touches the shore…

-----------

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,

I wouldn’t jump with them,
I’d be at the bottom to catch them.

---------------

Some friends forget

Some move away

Some keep silent

Some just change

But I’m not 1 of them.

I’m here just 4 two moments.. now & 4ever…!!:)

--------------

True meaning of friendship:

Where there is no compromise in telling the secret.

And

there is no secret for which u need to compromise.

---------------

Good FRIENDS are hard to find,

harder to leave,

and

impossible to forget.

-----------

Most people walk in and out of your life,

but

only FRIENDS leave footprints inyour heart.

----------

I m not Wealthy but i have Rich Heart,

I m not Best but i will try my Best,

I may not be Right every time butI m Surely not Wrong to choose U as my Friend !

------------

Friendship is like a glasshandle it with care because once broken cannot bemended and even if mended….a crack is always there !!!

-----------------

A coin is easy to earn,

a friend is hard to find.

The coin depreciates but a friend appreciates.

I lost a coin when I texted you,

but it’s okay because I got you.

----------------

U r SWEET AS GIN,

HARD AS RUM,

CLEAR AS VODKA,

MATURED AS WHISKY,

REFRESHING AS BEER.

In short u r a complete BAR of friendship.Cheers.

--------------

Have a heart that never hardens

have a smile that never fades

have a touch that never burnt

and

have friendship that never breaks.

------------

Khuda ki banai qudrat nahi dekhi,

Dilon main chupi dolat nahi dekhi,
Jo kehta hai doori se mit jati hai dosti,

Us ney shayad hamari dosti nahi daikhi.

-------------

0ur Friendship is Like Playing on See-Saw

Not only Because Its Always Fun With You

But Also Because I Wouldnt Mind

Going Down 2 See You Rising !!!

-------------

A FaCT :
When you are up in life,Your friends get to know who you are.
But
When you are down in life,You get to know who your friends are…

------------

What is a friend?

He looks out for you,

inspires you,

laughs with you,

cries with you,

understands you,

guides you and walks with you.

That’s what a friend is.

-------------

The Test Of Friendship

Dosen’t Comes When U R 2gether.

It Comes When U Part Ways &U Realize That Despite The Distance,

The Friendship Is Still There…

------------

I have a pen which is blue,

I have a friend which is you.

Flowers will die, waters will dry,

but our friendship will never say goodbye.

-------------------

How long shall we be friends?

Do you want a clue?

As long as stars twinkle in the sky,

till the water runs dry and till the day I die,

We will be friends.

---------------

When you’re down,I’ll be there to cheer you up.
When you’re tired,I’ll be there to lift you up.
I’ll be your friend no matter what!

-------------

I may have forgotten to say that I care.

I may have failed to open up and share,

but though no words have been spoken,

my promise of friendship won’t be broken.

-------------

Colors may fade,

the sun may not shine,

the moon may not be bright,

heartbeats may stop,

lives may pass but our friendship,

I’ll treasure ’till the day my heart stops.

----------------

A memory lasts forever,

and

never does it die.

True friends stay together and never say good bye.

----------------

I May Not Be The Most Important Person
I

May

Not

Be

The

Most

Important

Person

In

Your

Life

But

I

just

Hope

That

One

Day…

When

You

Hear

My

Name

You

Will

Just

Smile

&

Say

Hey

That’s

MyFriend..!!!

-----------

I was never tired of this life

and

it’s not gonna matter if I fall down twice,

coz I know each time I fall,

you won’t let me hit the ground.

Thanks for being around my friend.!

------------------------------

The hardest part of missing friends is not their absence,

it’s when you think of all those good times and ask yourself,‘

will those moments everhappen again?’

--------------------------------

Hum woh phool hain jo roz roz nahi khiltay,Yeh wo hont hain jo kabhi nahin siltay,
Hum se bichro ge to ehsas hoga tumhain,Hum wo dost hain jo roz roz nahin miltay

----------------------------

How can U tell the rain not 2 fall when clouds exist?

How can U tell the leaves not 2 fall when wind exist?

How can U tell me not 2 fall in friendship when U exist.

-----------------------------

Friendship is a promise made in the heart. Silent. Unwritten. Unbreakable by distance.

Unchangeable by time.Its lovely to have u as one !

---------------------------

Good relationships are like trees They demand attention & care in the beginning

but once they blossoms they provide U shade in all situations of life.

--------------------------------

Don’t Love a Friend who Hurts U

Don’t Hurt a Friend who Loves U.

---------------------------------

FRIEND means
f=free frm all formalities

r=right to say any thing

i=in anyway

e=either good or bad

n=no sorry no thnx

d=daantna peetna allowed 24 hours.

--------------------------

“FEELiNG”is a painting never spoil it

“FACE”is a book try to read it

“LOVE” is precious be ready to sacrifice for it

“FRiENDSHiP” is a mirror never”break” it.

----------------------

Look Outside its So Pleasant!

Sun Smiling 4 U !

Trees Dancing 4 U !

Birds Singing 4 U !Because,

I Asked Them All 2 Wish You
A Happy Friendship Day

-----------------------------

True friends are like mornings,

u cant have them the whole day,

but u can be sure,

they will be there when u wake up tomorrow,next year and forever.

----------------------

My heart’s like an open book,

it depends on how u read me.

Don”t judge me by my cover..Look in and discover..i will be ur True friend for ever…

----------------------

a friend gives hope when ur life is low

,a friend is place wen u hav no place to go

,a friend is a precious,

a friend is “”"”"”"”"”u”"”"”"”"”"

------------------------------

When clouds break rain falls.

When coconut break water falls.

when love break tears falls but when friendship break life falls so never break friendship.

-----------------------------

“A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover,

HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE”

-----------------------------

“Friends”are like balloons once u let them go u cant ever get them back dats y i ll tie u tight tu my heart u r precious to lose.

--------------------------

There r lots of people around u some of them r important 4 u,

out of these some people few r more important 4 u

and

out of these few people1 is most important 4 u and4 me that 1 is u my sweet friend.

---------------------------

Words begin with ….A….B….C….

Number begin with….1….2….3….

Music begin with….SA….RE….GA….BUT….?

FRIENDSHIP begins with….’‘You&Me”

----------------------------

Make your life a house your heart can live in.

With a door that is open to receive friends.

And a garden full of memories ?

of many good things.

-------------------------

To hear what is unspoken,

to see what is invisible,

to feel without even touching…is the miracle called “friendship”

-------------------------

Friendship often ends in love;

but love ends in friendship -NEVER.

----------------------

In a year I m:365 Days Dreaming of U

8760 hours Thinking of U

5,25,600 Minutes Missing U

3,15,36,000 Seconds Treasuring UDEFINITELY U MY Best Friend.

-------------------------

A true friend understands when u say ?

I forgot?,

waits 4ever when u say ?

just a min?,

stays with u when u say ?

leave me alone?

&

opens his heart even b4 u knock

--------------------------

People like U are found only once in a lifetime.

So U better take care of yourself because I don t want to waste another life time

to find a such a SWEET Friend.

------------------------

All friends are not True.

But true friends are very few,
Which includes U.

-----------------------

Relationship is like a violen,
Music may stop now n then,
But strings are attached forever.
So if u r in touch or not,

U r always remembered.

-------------------------

Why do we close our Eyes

When we Pray When we Cry When we Dream When we Kiss Because the Most BEAUTIFUL thing in life are not seen.

But felt by the heart!DEFINITELY U,My Friend:) !

--------------------------

Ache dost “haath” aur “ankh” ki tarha hote hain,

Jab “hath” ko takleef hoti hai to “Ankh” roti hai,

Aur jub “ANKH” roti hai to “Hath” ansu pochtay hain.’-..’-.

--------------------------------

Earth may stop rotating Birds may stop flying Candles may stop melting

Fishes may stop swimming Heart may stop breathing

But i will never stop Missing you my friend.

---------------------------------

Friends change, I know they do..but this friend will always belong to you..
Friends hurt I know they do..But this friend gets hurt more without “YOU”!

---------------------------

Dillagi dosto ke naam hoti hai Dilldari dosto ki shaan hoti hai
Kahi bhi raho par rahoge dil me mere

Yahi sachchi dosti ki pehchaan hoti hai.

-----------------------------

In this WORLD,where everything seems UNCERTAIN,

only one thing is DEFINITE.

You’ll always be my FRIEND,beyond WORDS,beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

--------------------------

I don’t regret the thingsI have done and the things I didn’t do.

For somewhere along the wayI must have done something right

coz I ended up with a friend like you.

---------------------------

Dosti kisi ki riasat nahi hoti, Zindagi kisi ki amanat nahi hoti,
Hamari saltanat main dekh ker qadam rakhna,

Kion kay hamari dosti ki qaid main zamanat nahin hoti.

-------------------------------

6 rules to be HAPPY:Free your heart from hatred;Free your mind from worries;

Live simply;Expect less;Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND.

--------------------------------

Never abandon old friends.

They are hard 2 replace.

Friendships is like wine:

it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us… i get BETTER, u get OLDER.

-----------------------------

GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags,

Because….. if He did,I can’t afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!

------------------------------------------

Friend in different languages:
Irani: DOST

German: FREUND

Hebrew: CHAVER

FrencH: AMI

Dutch;VREN

Mexican: AMIGOE

gypt: KUBARI

Pakistan: ???...Aur suna LAANTI:p

-------------------------

Jab koi khayal dil se takrata hai,Dil na chah ker bhi khamosh ho jata hai,
Koi sab kuch keh ker dosti jatata hai,To koi kuch na keh k DOSTI NIBHATA HAI.

---------------------------