Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

HO s p i t a l

H U M O R

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

Tips for W o r k i n g Hard

Tips for

W o r k i n g Hard


1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.


2. Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.


3. Messy desk.

Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.

Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.


4. Voice Mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.

If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.

One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.


6. Appear to Work Late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.


7. Creative Sighing for Effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.


8. Stacking Strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.


9. Build Vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.

Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.


10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

MOVIES NAMES - HUMOR

MOVIES NAMES - HUMOR

BY COMPUTER EXPERTS !!

Har Dil Jo CHAT Karega

Kaho na virus hai

Hum aap ke CUBICLE mein rahate hai

Hamara RESUME aap ke haath mein hai

JAVA wale OFFER le jayenge

Hum WALK-IN ja chuke sanam

Dhai akshar HRD ke

Jis Desh mein DOLLARS rahata Hain

Hum To US jaayega

Tera OFFER mil gaya

Sapne DOLLARS ke

PM ne phir yaada dilaya

Aa ab KUCH KAAM kare

RESUME se OFFER LETTER tak

Raju ban gaya IT MAN..!

JAVA wale ASP wale

US to jana hi tha

PACKAGE ho to aisa

COMPANY No.1

Dekhte dekhte SHARES mil Gaya

PLATFORM apna apna

Yeh H1 kab aayegi

PM ek numbari PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari

Ek tha VACANCY

Mera Naam BODYSHOPPER

INTELLIGENCE TEST

INTELLIGENCE TEST - QUIZ FOR THE WISE GUY !
Time Limit: 2 Weeks.

What colour was Rana Pratap's WHITE horse?

If D.D is the short form of DOORDARSHAN, what's the long form?


Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY

Metric conversion.
How many feet in 0.0 meters?

What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?


What language is spoken in RUSSIA?

How to you spell PURPLE?

Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the

previous five.


Where does rain come from?
(a) Himalayas
(b) Trees
(c) Indian Ocean
(d) the sky

Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

What are coat hangers used for?

Which creature is called Giraffe?

Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Where is the first floor in a three story building located?


Advanced math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

STUPID'S EXAM PAPER

STUPID'S EXAM PAPER

[This one's little difficult than last year's]

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
digits or "_" allowed)

2. Sex?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Don't know.

3. What's your age group?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0

4. What is 2 + 2=?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV

5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
does your brother have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal

6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .

7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?

8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".

Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) some times
( ) uncountable

9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
( ) One rupee?
( ) 100 paise?

10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)

11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?

12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?

13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

14. Earth is Flat?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False

15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
( ) TRUE
( ) NOT FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?

17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

18. Complete the following poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")

19. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 19
( ) 20

20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
( ) YES
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )

22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) HOCKEY


23. What is the capital of India?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA

24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?

25. Fill in the blank:
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING

26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

27. What comes first?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omelet

28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
( ) YES
( ) NO

29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Father
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter

31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven

32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE

33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.

35. On which day Good Friday falls
( ) Sunday
( ) Wednesday
( ) Saturday

Computer Terms funny

Computer Terms funny

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought

for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and

money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and

on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Things You'd Love To Say At Work... But Can't

Things You'd Love To Say At Work... But Can't

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.